we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
