I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
