Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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