She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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