On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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