I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
