one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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