Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
