I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
