don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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