I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
