he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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