The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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