totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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