We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
