You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
