And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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