When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
