I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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