can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
