I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
