my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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