Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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