Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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