You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
