highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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