My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
