I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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