so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize