there's paper in my vomit.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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