Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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