you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
