I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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