Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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