Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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