Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
