Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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