She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
