drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
