I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
