So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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