You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
