Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
