Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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