oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
