I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize