I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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