i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
