No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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