So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this just has baby written all over it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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