Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
