I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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