I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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