honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
