you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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