Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
