omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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