I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
