Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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