I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
