every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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