Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
