you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
