I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize